Divorce on Friday, May 17, 2013. Who would want to lose a divorce? It seems like a silly topic, but think about it, anyone can tell you what you should do to win your divorce. No one ever tells you what you should not do . . . until the damage is already done. This leaves you muttering afterwards, “I sure wish someone had told me that before I . . . ” Not to worry; I’m here to warn you about some sure fire ways to lose your divorce, no matter how good your case is. if you want to waste money, look bad, or ruin any hope of a relationship with your spouse afterwards, listen up. What I’m about to tell you is the good stuff, learned over years of bitter experience. 1. Destroy Records The first thing you want to do is get rid of all your important records. Don’t worry about papers trails. Make the attorneys subpoena them. Not only will your records be re-created, it wastes a lot time, and costs thousands of dollars. 2. Drain bank accounts Hey, that freeloader deserves to be cut off, and closing the checking account will force him or her to run to court on an emergency basis. And that’s exactly what you want, so you can tell the judge to her face that you’re the kind of person who has no problem leaving their spouse and children penniless in the street. 3. Hide assets This is a must. It’s not enough to merely drain the bank accounts. What you want to do at the emergency hearing is plead ignorance about why you’re broke. I recommend shrugging your shoulders when asked where everything went. Besides, you’ve already covered your tracks by destroying the records, what could possibly go wrong? 4. Cancel health insurance Making unilateral changes never backfires, is another sure way to get hauled back into court on an emergency basis, and will definitely increase your legal fees. And what better way is there to spend your hard earned money than on your attorney? 5. Threaten Hey, this is a divorce after all, not some mamby pamby marriage counseling session. Threatening violence will show the other side you’re not someone to be messed around with. Besides, being reasonable only leads to a quick end to the fun. If you want the flames of divorce to last, you have to stoke the fire a bit. If you’ve done everything just right – or just wrong I should say – you’ll be receiving a final judgment finding you in contempt of court, or better yet, losing everything in an unequal distribution. Then you can kick off your shoes, pop open a cold one, and start thinking about that appeal you always wanted to file.