Can You Marry Your Computer in Florida?

On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Same Sex Marriage & Divorce on Wednesday, May 7, 2014.

Hey, I like my computer as much as the next guy, but I don’t want to marry or divorce it. Not everyone feels the same about their PCs and Macs. Channeling Joaquin Phoenix in “Her”, a Florida man tried to intervene in the pending gay marriage federal case in Tallahassee.

The Federal judge didn’t take too kindly to the motion:

Chris Sevier has moved to intervene, apparently asserting he wishes to marry his computer. Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit. Mr. Sevier has alleged nothing that would support intervention.

As Fortune magazine reports:

What he’s trying to say is that same-sex marriage is the first step down a slippery slope. Let a man marry a man, and pretty soon people will start wanting to marry anything that turns them on.

He wrote in his motion:

Recently I purchased an Apple computer. The computer was sold to me without filters to block out pornography. I was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive and could alter my reward cycle by the manufacturer. Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women. Naturally, I ‘fell in love’ with my computer and preferred having sex with it over all other persons or things, as a result of classic conditioning upon orgasm.

Fortune also notes that a “Chris Sevier” sued Apple because it sold him a computer without telling him about the evils of porn, and A&E after it fired Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson after he was caught spewing antigay talk. And just recently, a Chris Sevier tried to butt his way into Utah’s gay marriage legal case .

Forget about marrying your computer, Florida is in the increasingly minority of states in which marriages between persons of the same sex entered into in any jurisdiction, are not recognized for any purpose in this state. Since we don’t recognize legal gay marriage in Florida, it’ll be a long time before Florida will allow Theodore from “Her” to marry his OS.