Category: Divorce

5 Ways to Lose Your Divorce

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Friday, May 17, 2013.

Who would want to lose a divorce?

It seems like a silly topic, but think about it, anyone can tell you what you should do to win your divorce. No one ever tells you what you should not do . . . until the damage is already done. This leaves you muttering afterwards, “I sure wish someone had told me that before I . . . ”

Not to worry; I’m here to warn you about some sure fire ways to lose your divorce, no matter how good your case is. if you want to waste money, look bad, or ruin any hope of a relationship with your spouse afterwards, listen up. What I’m about to tell you is the good stuff, learned over years of bitter experience.

1. Destroy Records

The first thing you want to do is get rid of all your important records. Don’t worry about papers trails. Make the attorneys subpoena them. Not only will your records be re-created, it wastes a lot time, and costs thousands of dollars.

2. Drain bank accounts

Hey, that freeloader deserves to be cut off, and closing the checking account will force him or her to run to court on an emergency basis. And that’s exactly what you want, so you can tell the judge to her face that you’re the kind of person who has no problem leaving their spouse and children penniless in the street.

3. Hide assets

This is a must. It’s not enough to merely drain the bank accounts. What you want to do at the emergency hearing is plead ignorance about why you’re broke. I recommend shrugging your shoulders when asked where everything went. Besides, you’ve already covered your tracks by destroying the records, what could possibly go wrong?

4. Cancel health insurance

Making unilateral changes never backfires, is another sure way to get hauled back into court on an emergency basis, and will definitely increase your legal fees. And what better way is there to spend your hard earned money than on your attorney?

5. Threaten

Hey, this is a divorce after all, not some mamby pamby marriage counseling session. Threatening violence will show the other side you’re not someone to be messed around with. Besides, being reasonable only leads to a quick end to the fun. If you want the flames of divorce to last, you have to stoke the fire a bit.

If you’ve done everything just right – or just wrong I should say – you’ll be receiving a final judgment finding you in contempt of court, or better yet, losing everything in an unequal distribution. Then you can kick off your shoes, pop open a cold one, and start thinking about that appeal you always wanted to file.

Are Second Marriages More Stable?

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Monday, May 13, 2013.

Rumor has it that half of marriages end in divorce. The actual number is closer to 41%. But, even that statistic is in doubt. What about second marriages? Most statistics show second marriages fail more than first.

However, one group is claiming that second marriages are less likely to end in divorce. The Marriage Foundation produced a report arguing that second marriages are more stable than first marriages.

Almost half – 45 per cent – of all couples who marry for the first time in 2013 will divorce during their lifetime. However, divorced couples who marry for the second time have only a 31% chance of their marriage ending in divorce, according to Harry Benson, Communications Director at The Marriage Foundation and author of the report.

I don’t trust this report. Then again, it’s a good idea to question all statistics.

  • First off, divorce statistics are misleading. The fact is that divorce statistics have been uneven since the National Center for Health Statistics stopped publishing detailed state divorce statistics back in 1996.
  • Second, different sub-groups have very different divorce rates. For example, couples in which both parties have college or advanced degrees are statistically less likely to divorce than couples without degrees.
  • Third, where you live plays a role. For example, Nevada has one of the highest divorce rates in the country, and New Jersey has one of the lowest. Florida is in the middle.
  • Fourth, careers are big predictors of divorce. Members of the clergy are far less likely to divorce than exotic dancers for example.
  • Fifth, are the ages of the couple at the wedding. The risk for divorce drops significantly when couples wed after the age of 25.

My conclusion: don’t get married to statistics.

Should You Date During the Divorce?

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Monday, April 29, 2013.

Are you allowed to date before your divorce is final?

Many clients want to date during their divorce. And, more and more people are creating online profiles on various dating sites, like match.com, eHarmony, and AARP Dating, to shape their image. Making an online image is great, as long as you don’t lie about it.

Let’s be realistic, everyone is guilty of wanting to make themself appear a little more attractive. Little white lies, exaggerations and deceptions in your online profile may seem innocent enough, but they can lead to big problems. I’m not talking about the generalized lie you might give to avoid being lonely: “I love poetry”, “I look 29”, “I’m skinny”. I’m talking about bigger lies that can damage your divorce case.

Exaggerations and deceptions in your online dating profile can become evidence in a divorce trial. What may seem like a harmless way to get a date when you post it, can morph into a damaging impeachment during your cross-examination. Worse still, your future date – who responds to your dating site – may be dragged into court as witness.

According to a recent survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, 59% of respondents said they have seen an increase in the number of divorce cases using evidence taken from dating websites during the past three years. 64% of respondents have seen evidence taken specifically from Match.com. Of the type of information being taken from these sites, 57% of lawyers have seen relationship status used, followed by salary and occupation at 15% and parental status at 7%.

I advise clients to stay away from social media and dating websites until the divorce is over. In addition to the risks of your personal information being dragged into court, there is the impact dating can have on your current spouse. Flaunting a new relationship could create anger and resentment. Settling your case becomes harder, and your case will last longer and cost more.

5 Hidden Divorce Costs

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Thursday, April 25, 2013.

The costs of a divorce can be high. This is especially true if you have no idea of what to expect, or have no experience with finances.

Most people think you lose your money in divorce through alimony or child support paymets. And of course, dividing up your assets will also take a chunk. But there are other ways that divorce impacts your finances, and many people don’t think about them. Here are five of them:

Legal fees: Even if you have an amicable divorce, legal fees can be high. If you and your spouse go to court to contest an issue, the legal fees can rise quickly.

Childcare costs: Divorced parents typically need to pay for childcare, daycare or aftercare more often than they expected to because the child’s other parent is not around as much.

Taxes: Filing single, after years filing married jointly, can increase your taxes.

Retirement: Because you are single, and don’t have a partner making contributions you share, your contributions to your pension, IRA and 401(k) will usually be comparatively lower, and you may have to work longer.

Insurance: Married people don’t have to spend money on long-term care insurance because they have a partner. After a divorce, single people may need to purchase such a policy.

“Most people don’t realize the depths of what divorce can do when it comes to their finances,” Fraelich said. “It is usually a matter of much more than a loss of salary or income.”

You can read more about it in this article in the LA Times.

Divorce and the Pregnant Man

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Monday, April 1, 2013.

With all of the talk about marriage, divorce and the U.S. Supreme Court oral argument in the Defense of Marriage Act case, there is a timely decision out of Phoenix, Arizona about the Thomas Beatie divorce, a matter I blogged about a while ago. Do you remember Tom?

To recap, Tom was born Tracy Lehuanani Lagondino in Oahu, Hawaii. She began undergoing testosterone therapy, and after psychological testing, her first surgeries were performed in 2002. After that Tracy’s birth certificate and driver’s license changed. Six months later, Tracy became Tom.

Tom married his girlfriend Nancy in 2003, and because Nancy couldn’t have children, Tom had the child. Tom conceived – with donated sperm – and gave birth to children who are now 4, 3 and 2 years old. The couple eventually moved to Arizona.

When news leaked out of the pregnancy, Tom became an instant hint as “The Pregnant Man,” appearing on Oprah, Barbara Walters, Letterman etc. He also wrote a book, and is a motivational speaker for transgender rights.

Now Tom wants to end his marriage to Nancy, and filed in Phoenix, Arizona. Arizona, like Florida, bans same-sex marriages, which prevents Tom’s nine-year union with Nancy from being recognized as a valid marriage. So, Tom’s divorce plans stalled last summer when a judge said he was unable to find legal authority defining a man as someone who can give birth. However, the case has been left in legal limbo for a while.

Last week Maricopa County Family Court Judge Douglas Gerlach ruled that Arizona’s ban on same-sex marriages prevents Thomas Beatie’s nine-year union from being recognized as valid. Gerlach said he had no jurisdiction to approve a divorce because there’s insufficient evidence that Beatie was a man when he married Nancy Beatie in Hawaii. As USA Today reports:

“The decision here is not based on the conclusion that this case involves a same-sex marriage merely because one of the parties is a transsexual male, but instead, the decision is compelled by the fact that the parties failed to prove that (Thomas Beatie) was a transsexual male when they were issued their marriage license,” he wrote in Friday’s ruling.

The judge’s ruling also said it didn’t address whether Arizona law allows a person who was born female to marry another female after undergoing a sex change operation. Gerlach’s ruling also noted that Thomas Beatie halted the testosterone treatments and that he didn’t provide documentation for any additional non-surgical efforts.

Gay Marriage, Divorce, and Star Wars

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Friday, March 22, 2013.

There is a phantom menace in Florida. Couples who want to divorce may not have solemnized their vows properly. Florida strictly regulates who can solemnize a marriage. The list includes: ordained clergy, judicial officers, clerks of court and notaries public.

If your marriage was not legally solemnized, you may only be eligible for legal annulment; you would not be able to file for divorce, and you may not plead for alimony or equitable distribution in your legal petition.

In Scotland there is a new hope. The Scots are holding public consultation on the Marriage and Civil Partnership Bill, which would legalize gay marriage, and grant official recognition to weddings performed by Jedi Knights. In Scotland, we are literally witnessing the return of the Jedi:

The Force is strong with the Jedi in Scotland. A bill under consideration in Scotland would grant those who have literally made “Star Wars” a religion the power to perform marriage ceremonies.

And while it may sound like a joke to most, the Jedi religion is quite popular in some parts of Europe. In England, it is the second-most popular “alternative religion,” with more than 175,000 people listing themselves as Jedi in the 2012 nationwide census.

“Our current consultation covers not only the introduction of same-sex marriage but also the detail of important protections in relation to religious bodies and celebrants, freedom of speech and education,” a Scottish government spokeswoman said.

“At the moment, marriage ceremonies by bodies such as humanists have been classed as religious, even though the beliefs of such organizations are nonreligious….”

The Scottish government plans to hold a public consultation on the bill and, of course, not all traditionally religious groups are happy about creating a new category for ceremonies that are by their very nature, arguably, a religious practice.

“There are loads of people in a diverse society like this for whom belief can mean virtually anything-the Flat Earth Society and Jedi Knights Society-who knows?” the Rev. Iver Martin told the BBC.

For their part, the Jedi say the very nature of their beliefs would prevent them from tarnishing any other religious institutions.

Is there a problem with allowing light saber wielding Jedi to solemnize matrimony in Florida? Legalization of Jedi weddings in Scotland is part of a larger bill designed to legalize gay marriage. The attack of Jedi weddings could bolster claims from gay marriage opponents who could argue that legalizing gay marriage will lead us down a slippery slope. After all, if Jedi marriages become legal, how can we deny matrimony to others without risking a Clone War?

Four Things Guaranteed to Kill a Marriage

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Friday, March 1, 2013.

Predicting who gets divorce is tough. It’s been said that John Gottman can listen to a couple for 5 minutes and determine with 91% accuracy whether they’ll divorce.

Gottman has researched marriage for over 40 years, and couples that attend his workshops have half the relapse rate that standard therapy provides. I just ordered his book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

At the core of Gottman’s research are “The Four Horsemen”, the four indicators a divorce is on its way:

1. Criticism – Complaints are fine. Criticism though, attacks the person, not their behavior. (Husband didn’t take out the garbage because he’s a bad person, not because he forgot.)

2. Contempt – “…name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form contempt – the worst of the four horsemen – conveys disgust. How can you resolve a problem when your partner thinks you’re disgusted with him.

3. Defensiveness – Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. and automatically escalates the conflict: ‘The problem isn’t with me, it’s with you.’

4. Stonewalling – Tuning out doesn’t just remove the person from the conflict, it removes them emotionally from the relationship.

Interestingly, Gottman claims most arguments in a marriage cannot be resolved. Couples can spend years trying to change each other’s mind, but it can’t be done. Instead of arguing, he suggests accepting each another as-is:

Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner . . . you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.

The book also has few interesting statistics:

  • “…an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by roughly 35% and even shorten your life by an average of 4 years.”
  • “96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen minute interaction…”
  • “I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.”

His book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is available at Amazon (No, I don’t get a cut).

Facebook Evidence In Divorce Trials

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Friday, February 22, 2013.

Divorce trials usually require the introduction of highly personal evidence. For example, it is common to hire private investigators to film spouses, or use forensic accountants to hunt for strange credit card charges.

Sometimes though, the evidence falls in your lap. Facebook and social media sites are often filled with very personal information which is increasingly being used in divorce trials. You may have heard of some examples:

  • A Husband posts his status as single and childless on Facebook while seeking primary custody of his children.
  • A mother is accused of never attending her kids’ school events because of her online gaming addiction. Evidence subpoenaed from World of Warcraft tracks her on-line with her boyfriend at the time when she was supposed to be with the children.
  • A husband denies he has any anger management issues, but posts on Facebook; “If you have the balls to get in my face, I’ll kick your ass into submission.”
  • A mom denies in court that she ever smokes marijuana, but then uploads photos of herself smoking pot on Facebook.

Is the evidence admissible? And if so, how do you prove the evidence is real and not maliciously put there? The Florida Bar Commentator published an article I wrote about using Facebook evidence at trial. Here is a brief abstract:

The article discusses the evidentiary potential of social media sites, and the peculiar challenges of authenticating materials from the internet. Social media websites like Facebook have had an astronomical growth worldwide, and are showing up in divorce trials. The article suggests some of the benefits and obstacles in gathering and using Facebook and other social media evidence at trial. The article also reviews the leading national cases on social media websites, and outlines when it is necessary to use computer forensic firms and other sources to ensure that the evidence is properly admitted.

My new article appears in the Winter 2013 issue of the Florida Bar Family Law Section Commentator.

Five Essential Tips Before Divorcing

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Saturday, February 9, 2013.

When you are thinking about divorce for the first time, your head may be swimming with questions: are you certain you want to your marriage to end? Can it be saved? What will happen to me? Can I afford this? When you decide it’s time to see a divorce lawyer, there are five essential things you should do.

Know What Assets You Have. Before you come in to see me, have a good idea of you and your spouse’s net worth. Know what investments and other assets there are; including any businesses and real estate, cars, boats, collectibles and jewelry. Divorce settlements should equitably distribute these assets. But, until you know how big the pie is, you won’t know how to fairly cut it.

Understand your Debts. Your house may be worth $1 million if you sold it today, but if your mortgage balance is $900,000, and your home equity credit line is another $100,000, your home’s real net worth is zero. A divorce settlement divides both debts and assets, and that could leave you with less than you’ve imagined. A good way to understand your liabilities is to list your family’s debts on a spreadsheet.

Learn your and your spouse’s current earnings. Increasing how much money you earn now may help you decide whether to walk away from your marriage without worrying about how you’ll pay your bills. Higher income can also allow you to hire legal and financial specialists to maximize your settlement.

Secure important papers and accounts. Make copies of your tax returns, paystubs, insurance policies, retirement account statements, passports, bank and investment account statements, deeds, and mortgage documents. Copy those papers, and store the originals in a secure place, such as a safe-deposit box. Secure your email, cell phone, your individual online banking and investment accounts by changing the passwords. You’ll want privacy from here on in, so create your own accounts where necessary, and change the passwords on existing accounts in your own name.

Check your credit. This is not a good time to be late with paying bills. You may need to borrow money to cover living expenses, or pay for lawyers and experts, and you may need to rely on your good credit. Also, a high credit score will help you make the transition to single life.

These five tips don’t mean you are going to file for divorce. They are just sound home finance practices. If you decide to reconcile, understanding your financial position will help you build a better marriage. If you divorce, following these tips could help make the transition to being single.

The Causes of Divorce

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On behalf of Ronald H. Kauffman, P.A. posted in Divorce on Friday, February 1, 2013.

There are many reasons clients come to me to file for divorce. The top reasons I hear repeatedly include: difficult in-laws, financial problems, constant separation due to travel, and bad communication habits. I recently read about a reason I hadn’t come across before: my church caused it!

According to Florida’s FOX 8 WGHP, A husband is suing his Quaker church for encouraging his wife to leave him . . . and even helping her move out of their marital home after 28 years of marriage.

“I think the church had a great deal to do with [the divorce],” he said. “I won’t say they’re 100 percent responsible but they certainly made it happen. I don’t think she could’ve moved out if the church didn’t help her. They provided all the people to move the stuff.”

According to a Florida newspaper The Times News, the husband’s lawsuit also accuses the Church’s pastor of going on vacations with the couple (at the request of the wife) and spending time with the wife when the husband wasn’t present.

“The defendant’s pastor made multiple visits to Plaintiff and his wife’s residence to play Wii games with them not at the invitation of the Plaintiff,” Pegram claims in the suit.

The husband says his wife paid 60 percent of the household bills, and that he has struggled financially since she left him. He is suing the church for $180,000, in addition to $10 million in punitive damages.

The church has since denied the allegations and filed a motion to dismiss the case.